Hello again Internet. It’s been fun hanging around in some of the social public places, but there’s really nothing like kicking around in your own little corner, right?
Half the crocus patch seems to have perished due to the weirdness of that last few days, but the pearly blue ones are alright (and those are my favourites), and the snow’s all melted now, so that means it’s spring.* After several years of taking wild stabs at growing vegetables in the garden, I’ve decided to give flowers a go instead. The stakes are a bit lower, most of them are edible too, and well, they just make me happy – and that counts for a lot. Besides, we’ve been helping out at the community garden and are getting a much better veg growing experience there than in the shady, sloped garden I’m staring out at as I type.
Now, don’t get me wrong. The view is actually pretty decent – in the little corner behind the garden and between the houses I can see alpacas grazing and lots of lovely trees I like to walk to. The main issue is that I don’t know how long it will be mine to view. It’s been a hell of a ride since this blog started** personally and globally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There have been storms. Lots of ’em. It’s mostly been really tough. I’m exhausted. I want some stability. But! (there’s always a but… and there’s often an and!) I have learned so much. I’ve been finding safe people and spaces and acknowledging how much I lacked those at other times in my life. I’ve been deschooling myself and learning new ways of teaching. I have taken on less and seen others around me take initiative. I am trusting others and trusting myself.
I have always tried to come across as someone who really has things together – I might still, I’m not sure. I care a lot less what people think these days. I had some plans for things I was going to do in my 30s. My bestie and I were going to start a school. We don’t even live on the same continent anymore, but she’s a college prof and I home ed my brood, plans change and evolve even when you have them. I like plans, and I like planning. I love organising trips and events, all the minutiae of it. It’s fun, an optimisation problem for my overexcitable brain. Let me tell you though, SO MANY of my plans have gone wrong or failed altogether in the last 3 years, that I am hesitant to even begin planning anything. It might be a lesson I need to learn. I’ve gotten better at weathering the storms, resilient, standing firm, but maybe I need to take it a step further (or is it a step back?) and let myself soften, be carried, embraced by the chaotic flow of it all. My favourite medieval home girl had this figured out….
The feather flew, not because of anything in itself but because the air bore it along. Thus am I, a feather on the breath of God’.Hildegard von Bingen
*Never mind that the snow fell two days ago and it’s all we’ve had in two years.
** Gorse bushes still surprise me, and now there are several nearby. They’re flowering at the minute too, which is the best. Did you know that people used to hang their sheets on them to dry? The spikes would stop them flying away in the breeze and they would smell amazing. My local gorse is a wee bit far to try that though.